ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Original Author Unknown

SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION TO BE TAKEN

Drink fails to give satisfaction or taste. Shirt front is wet. Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as and many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet wet and cold Glass is empty. Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar Swaying Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar Moving You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if you're not, complain loudly that you're hijacked by the salvation army.
You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. You have fallen over backwards. The wall opposite is actually the ceiling. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. You have fallen over forwards. As for falling backwards.
Everthing has gone dark. The bar is closing. PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.

Back to the humor page :

Back to Tyger's Homepage :

Page Author: Rob Rubin Email: <tyger@luminet.net>
Last Updated: Friday, March 22, 1996

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION TO BE TAKEN
Drink fails to give satisfaction or taste. Shirt front is wet.	Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face.	Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as and many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear.	Glass is empty.	Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet wet and cold	Glass is empty.	Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet	Incorrect bladder control.	Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred	You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.	Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar Swaying	Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match.	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar Moving	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if you're not, complain loudly that you're hijacked by the salvation army.
You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights.	You have fallen over backwards. The wall opposite is actually the ceiling.	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends.	You have fallen over forwards.	As for falling backwards.
Everthing has gone dark.	The bar is closing.	PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling.	You have spent the night in the gutter.	Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.